Q: How long does it take a dunderhead to figure out how to send a cell phone photo to an email address?
A: I have had this cell phone for three and a half years!! The hell is wrong with me... If a million monkeys hacked away at my cell phone for a million years, they would have written War and Peace in a text and I'd still be figuring this one out. *sigh*
Here is the thing with my phone. It's got two amazing features: a slick reflective screen that's great for checking makeup, and a kickass camera. Other than that, I use it for texting and phoning, don't see no other purpose for it, and those fast-talking smartphone salesmen ain't gonna tell me otherwise, dagnabbit. BUT! I've never been able to unlock the magic of Amazing Feature #2, for you see - I know how to take the photo, but I've never known how to get it out of my phone...
Until today.
Ahh, yes. In celebration of this historic moment, let's collectively take a stroll through the masterpieces that have been hidden from human eyes. (Other than mine.)
"Number 1 Bun" January 2007
Note the contrast of dark and light. Also note the newly retired phone by the tissue box - size of a pea but no camera feature! If you extrapolate from this the rate by which I upgrade my phone, I'll own an iPhone by the 50th anniversary of my death. This was the first photo I took on my current phone.
"Giant Sack o' Bras" March 2009
I'm struggling to add any qualifiers here. It's pretty much a giant sack o' bras from when I worked at Victoria's Secret. Disney sack, to be precise. Net worth: over $2000. How do I know that? We caught a few thieves trying to steal it. They dropped it and ran away when we called the cops, who then asked us to tally up the retail cost. My Aldo bucket bag is resting right behind it, for size comparison. Yup. Giant sack o' bras.
"Grundton in Repose" March 2009
One of the many in the "Grundton in Repose" series.
"Phillies v. Nationals" April 29, 2009
There is simply not a bad seat in CBP! Lately, I don't even sit anymore - I stay in the 100-level behind the wheelchair rows and get a damn good spot. We lost this game 4-0. We are terrible, just terrible, against the Nats. Stay tuned for some payback...
"Do I look flat in this?" April 2009
This was a period during which I became increasingly paranoid about the state of my car, even though there was nothing wrong with it. Not a thing.I took this photo and messaged it to Chris in a panicked frenzy after driving down to the TFA office to interview for the Program Director position with Mike Wang, freaking out that my car was going to fall apart while I was 76. Turns out the churning in my stomach I attributed to non-existent car problems was just interview nerves. This is what a normal car tire looks like. (Forgot my dramamine that day.)
"Good Luck Amy" May 2009
My last day at Vicky's was marked by a sweet ass cookie-cake from Vicky (the human, not the corporation). Thanks Vicky, and much luck to you as well!
"Einstein's Lappy" August 2009
This statue fucking rocks!! I found it with my mom when we were walking around D.C. Note my strategically placed hand. He gave to the world the photoelectric effect, the theory of general relativity, and the equivalence of matter and energy. But I will always love him for his giant bronze lappy. God bless you, Einstein!
"Homies versus Couchies" December 2009
Winter in the warehouse is bitch, but so is anyone who tries to test their billiards skills against the Homies (Android not pictured). They know their way around the Hungry Hungry Hippo. 'Nuff said.
"A Dooey Pile" March 2010
OK, I see these trucks all over Philadelphia. They really couldn't have found a better name for the company that "brings the highest global standards of safe and secure chemical transportation"? I don't want to associate chemical handling with a dooey pile. On their website they call all their employees "Pyle People", which just sounds bizarre and makes me picture a bunch of tiny Lego men for some reason. It's not just me, right??
"An Asshole" August 2010
I have to share a parking garage with this asshat.
OK, we're almost done. Stay with me, here.
"Phillies v. Nationals, Part 2" August 22, 2010
We are all caught up in my life in cell photos. This was yesterday. We were 4-0 in the 7th inning when the long-anticipated scattered thunderstorm of the day finally came. Geoff, Jule, Chris, and I got to see the groundscrew unroll the tarp, and for the hour-and-a-half delay, we watched people in the 100-level gradually leave the ballpark while we plotted to steal their seats. After four hours of standing behind the wheelchair row, my dogs were barking! Patience, my pups... One of the ushers will be turning away any minute now...
"Phillies v. Nationals, Part 2b" August 22, 2011
Our coup de grace!! After being foiled once, we finally nabbed some sweet seats right by the first base line as it stopped raining. Cosmic justice for our patience was doled out almost immediately with an Ibanez two-run homer once the rain delay was lifted, and we ultimately shut out the Nats, 6-0. Of course, cosmic justice for our thievery was just as promptly handed down - as soon as we left to start the trek back to our car in FDR park, a sunshower broke out and completely doused us.
So there you have it! Three years' worth of cell phone photos crammed into a single blog entry, culminating in a kickass view of Citizens Bank Park. Much love to my dinky little phone, without which you wouldn't have wasted the last five minutes of your life reading this.
Until next time :)
