Most Voluptuous Player:
Rod Barajas. By far the fattest player on the team. Guy, you lost out starting catcher position to a rookie, and during your single at bat in the last several weeks you strained a groin muscle. Weak.Most Vivacious Player:
Shane Victorino. Be it his shaving-cream-pie-in-the-face antics or goofy but lively run-garnering trips and falls, Shane is not only fun to watch but just plain fun.Most Vociferous Player:
Jimmy Rollins. "The Phillies are the team to beat this season." Comments such as this have earned JRoll the honor of being the team's most outspoken player. Sure, it pisses off our rivals, but he just tells it like it is.Most Versatile Player:
Carlos Ruiz. This is the rookie player who replaced Barajas. He's got a 100% fielding percentage, 40+ RBIs, 5 homers, and is an overall dependable player. Ruiz is also my personal favorite (hubba hubba), which counts for more than all his stats combined. I love you.Most Visible Player:
Ryan Howard. This one's a no-brainer. Being last season's actual National League MVP and winner of the Homerun Derby, Howard is the household name of the Philadelphia Phillies.Most Victimized Player:
Chase Utley. I wish I could give the closest thing to a Philly hero a more honorable title, but the man is the most hit-by-pitch player in the National League! As is, he's on the DL for having a hand broken by a bad pitch.Most Vigorous Player:
Aaron Rowand. I'll lay it out for you: May 11, 2006. Rowand voluntarily smashes into the center field wall at high speed and comes away with a broken nose, lacerations to his face, and Xavier Nady's deep fly ball. That's one more home run robbed by AaRow. He embraces the hustle.Most Villified Player:
Pat Burrell. Once nicknamed Pat the Bat, Burrell is on-and-off the most hated Phillie for his shameless womanizing and inconsistent at-bats. On this team of beloved players and all-around nice guys, that's all it takes to get a homecrowd to boo.Most Veteran Player:
Jamie Moyer. At 44 years of age, Moyer has been with 7 different major league teams and is the Phils veteran pitcher.Most Virginal Player:
Kyle Kendrick. On the opposite end of Moyer, this is pitcher Kendrick's rookie season with a 6-3 win-loss record. Not too shabby. Add to that the fact that he's the Phillies youngest player (22 years of age as of today). I'm glad to say that his MLB cherry was popped by Philadelphia. I'm sorry, that wasn't necessary.Most Vindicated Player:
Brett Myers. Myers started out as, well, a starter for the Phightin' Phils in 2002. And the last few seasons, he has...sucked pretty bad. You'd think it was the end for this distinctive Bert look-alike, but after being placed in the bullpen this season, we made the amazing discovery that Myers is a hell of a closer. That's 11 saves out of 12 opportunities. That's routinely striking out the side. Watch out, Rivera and Papelbon.Most Virulent Player:
Tom Gordon. I have little to say about this, except that he was placed on the DL for half the season for an unexplained illness. That is all.Most Vermillion Player:
Kyle Lohse. Stop reading now if you are easily offended. Not the most PC thing to say, but as a person who recognizes minorities who step up, I have to call out Lohse for being one of only four Native American players in the MLB. Plus, he's hot.Most Victorious Player:
Cole Hamels. Of course I had to save the best for last! This kid is a phucking phenom, no questions asked. The ace of the team, Hamels is giving the best NL pitchers a run for their money. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love the Cole Hamels strikeout montages on CSN.Honorable Mention:
Tadahito Iguchi. Okay, so I couldn't find a V-word for the clutch player, but I just want to say that when we lost Utley to the dreaded DL, Iguchi filled in like no one could. Excellent fielder, just excellent.Did I leave anyone out? Leave a comment if you can think of anything other players, Phillies or otherwise, that would satisfy the MVP with a V-adjective I haven't yet used.
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